"How to begin to educate a child. First rule: leave him alone. Second rule: leave him alone. Third rule: leave him alone. That is the whole beginning."
-D.H. Lawrence, 1918
Helicopter parents, we’ve all heard of them, and many of us have had some interaction with them. Parents who demand that their students be awarded certain privileges or accommodations, or request special treatment for their child. It seems that parents are becoming increasingly involved in the lives of their college students. Hovering parents expect constant communication with their student and immediate access to school officials and professors. From life on campus to career decisions, parents are pressuring their students to live life according to the standards set forth for them by mom and dad. How do institutions of higher learning deal with overly involved parents who insist on micromanaging the lives of their college students?
The Millennial Parents are the ones guilty of “hovering,” and since the Millennials will be enrolled in undergraduate institutions until at least 2020, schools are designing programs and procedures to deal with difficult and needy parents. According to Eric Wills article The Parent Trap, The University of Vermont has established a team of individuals called “parent bouncers” to keep unwanted parents out of certain orientation activities, discussions, and class registration. But rather than “bouncing” parents, most of these student employees direct parents to coffee tents, parent programs, and answer other questions the parents might have. Clemson recruits parents who had a positive orientation experience to return the following year and share with new parents. Clemson’s Jeanine Ward-Roof, director of student-development services says, “We can no longer think about just the student, it’s the whole family that is involved.” Recently, we’ve seen family involvement here at Ole Miss involving one of our biggest football recruits. Robert Nkemdiche’s mother was very vocal about the “family” decision that would be made regarding her son’s college football career.
In her article, The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting, Nancy Gibbs addresses the extreme measures parents take in protecting their children. She also points out that statistically, children are much more likely to be harmed by a family friend or relative than they are to eat poisoned Halloween candy or be kidnapped by a complete stranger. Gibbs suggests that parents view college admissions as a sort of report card on how well they raised their children. If a student is accepted to a notable university and is awarded scholarships, parents feel as if they’ve succeeded.
Claire Potter, a history professor at The New School for Public Engagement in New York has developed a list of skills that students should have before they begin college. She also suggests that professors should give assignments that allow students to use these skills and work with their students to improve upon them. Skills on her list include: learning to communicate clearly and effectively with professors and other professionals via email and in person; managing schedules and prioritizing assignments and other commitments; and communicating to parents that as a college student he or she can handle problems as they arise and do not need daily assistance. Imagine if every college student arrived on campus with formal communication skills and the motivation to problem solve without a parent holding their hand? Student Affairs professionals would be blown away and their jobs would probably be much easier.
As we look ahead to plan parent programs, we should consider the involvement that many of these parents have had in their child’s life for the last 18 years. They aren't going anywere anytime soon. Letting go will be difficult, especially when moms and dads have controlled soccer games, school musicals, and the Homecoming parade for years, but it is possible. By providing parents with other ways to get involved on campus and teaching them effective ways to communicate with their students, we can help them fly away. With parent support and clear communication between the institution and the parents, students can learn to become independent adults and eventually (hopefully) be hard working citizens making positive contributions to society.
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Photo: Hugh Kretschmer for TIME
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